As we walked the last steps of 2015 and entered these first days of the New Year, I wanted to write something meaningful so badly, but I couldn’t seem to do it. As much as my heart yearned to let myself be the conduit through which words flowed, I found myself in my pajamas, lying down, doing nothing. I was so tired. I’d been working so hard. So, so hard.
I wanted to reflect on my year…on all the events that transpired, that were felt, and gone through; but today, they just feel gone. In the past.
I wanted to talk about how I found my voice, and listened to my heart, how I underwent significant transformation and how I let go of parts of me that were holding me back.
I wanted to talk about the skills I mastered and how I was re-calibrated during my intensive experience of the past year as I apprenticed as an energy healer. I wanted to talk about how I went so deep inside myself that I discovered the universe I had so often found myself hiding out in; and how I walked through memories of past lives and childhood experiences and released and let go of so much shit that was clogging up my system that it was crazy. And how in the process of mastering how to identify and release these things, I became a highly skilled energy reader, and I can walk you through these processes, too, because releasing all the damn shit that holds us back, or keeps us small, or prevents us from really, truly being ourselves is HUGE.
I wanted to talk about my kids who are in such a different state of growth and evolution compared to when they were little, that they blow my mind constantly. And how in awe I am of their talent and their grace and their beauty, as well as all those not-so-glorious parts of parenting, like navigating conflicting emotions, and mood swings, social media, and the difficult territory of friendships, and cops (yes, cops).
I thought I might mention the amazing metamorphosis I went through in September, right at the apex of my apprenticeship, that demanded that all parts of me that were useless, in need of being sloughed-off, and abandoned were gone. And how brutally painful that was, and how alone I felt (and alone was the only thing I could feel, actually), and how I was even worried about my mortality for a while, and yet, despite it all, I knew, deep, deep, deep down in my soul, that this was just part of the shit that needed to happen in order for me to get to my next level of Being. It was a complete biological remodeling of my Being.
I considered talking about my marriage of 21 years and how I was questioning everything there is to question about marriage and love and family and a life together. I contemplated going into the details of how life has its ups and downs and how so often it is the women who carry the heavier side of life and who tend, tend, tend everyone and everything around them and how they often lose their own selves in that process. And how I lost my own self along my path. And how I sort of got lost in that story…a story where I did everything and no one was there to support me and how tired I’ve been by doing it all for everyone. And although the story was really good, and really “true” in so many ways, the story wasn’t serving me anymore.
And I deliberated detailing how I found myself sitting in the crater of that story when it blew up. And yet, when the story collapsed, there I was, burned, naked, vulnerable, and raw, and suddenly I was able to see everything differently. And what I realized is that I am a total fucking badass, and I am a sensual being, and my heart is love, and truly, nothing can be felt or seen without love, and that no matter what, the love I have for my own self is the most magical thing I’ve ever felt.
And yet, despite all that, I also realize that I can only traverse one day at a time. There are no guarantees. Life is continually evolving and shifting and changing. A never-ending ebb and flow. And I am living here, on this rotating planet that orbits the sun, within a solar system that is part of a greater whole that my brain can barely even comprehend. And, I’ve been there. I’ve touched all that. I have touched the radiant luminescence that is the original light. And so I know that no matter what, from stardust I began, and to stardust I’ll return.
May Your 2016 be as bright, bold, and as transformational as it can possibly be. May this be Your Quantum Leap Year.